Welcome to my Personal blog!
I'll update this whenever I can! For now, be wary of possibly heavy subject matter.
3/19/25
Well, My first few months have been actually pretty okay! I've been about 60 days clean from self harm and I intend to keep that streak.
I've been getting back into painting! And exploring around the internet archive for books and movies. I also finally made a bandcamp so i can download more music to my laptop! how lovely! But outside of my interests, I feel my mind has been somewhat better since these past few months have gone by. I learned from multiple therapists that i likely have some form of BPD. Not fun. I had to switch around therapists sadly and my old psychiatrist swapped insurance. A new one I tried speaking with cut our session short even though I had been waiting for 2 months! And still got no help :o(
I hope I can pick back up work on this website, I have a vision for it that I'd love to execute! Anyways, thats all for now. Here's a piece of what I'm planning!
1/2/25
It's the new year! Wahoo! Happy new years to whoever reads this, and may it be a good year of love and fortune you!
I'm currently feeling alright! Time away from the internet sometimes has been really helping me feel inspired and almost like my minds cleared in a way. Though every now and then I'll come back to this site to update it on my own weird side of the internet. I recently watched one of Nobuhiko Obayashi's films, House, and it made me cry with how beautiful it is. Well, not beautiful in the tradtional sense anyways. Seeing just the pure artistry and care that was put into the film makes me so incredibly inspired. The crude greenscreens, the messy editing at times, it's so so good. And the colors make everything feel like I just stepped into a dream! It's an absolutely amazing and fun watch but be warned for crude gore and nudity here and there!
12/20/24
It's 2 am while i type this, but things have been alright. Talking with my psychiatrist has been really helpful, she's very sweet. Well it's 5 days until christmas! i still feel empty. I've never been too big of a christmas person, but i think i took my previous years for granted. I feel insatiably empty this christmas i think it's because i feel like im restarting my life almost. I'm trying to atone for my wrong doings by rebuilding myself back from square one. I painted again recently and it was fun, i enjoy watercolors! I'm also recently getting more into odd movies and films like Nobuhiko Obayashi's movie, house! and school in the crosshairs. If i figure out an inbox/entry kind of system, I'd love to hear some weird media recommendations!
I'm mourning who i was at the start of this year. I hope whoever future me turns out to be is nice. I got a head cold yesterday and my brain feels like its gonna pop. I never knew my perception of the world was this warped. Happy at least i can start the new year as an entirely different person.
12/17/24
Today was okay, nothing really of note. I went to a science nature center place though with a friend of mine and it was really fun! I saw all kinds of bugs i really like and he got me some things at the mall! I've been a bit more focused on my artwork as of lately and i've described how creative process a bit.
I want my work to purposely be hard to look at almost. At least when i create vent artwork i want it to be a genuine glimpse into the real ugliness that mental illness brings. I've been through a lot, but I've also done a lot of harm at the same time. like carbon monoxide poisoning you never know how bad it actually is until its far too late and you're already dead. I of course create my "normal" artwork with things like my characters, things i enjoy, etc, but when it comes to this kind of work i try and showcase kinda what if feels like when you've been out of therapy for 3-4ish years and have severely needed it
12/16/24
I'm still sticking with this layout until I can figure out how to set up what i have in mind. I actually drew a few layout ideas on a more personalized and fun-looking website! I'm still learning the ropes but i've been having honestly more fun than i thought learning this stuff! Anyways i guess heres some info on myself!
I'm 18 as of starting all of this! And please call me benny :o)
That's enough introductions for now. I'll nickname this whole thing "Project Cakes-Web" silly name i know, but i have a LOT of ambitious ideas in mind for this whole personal site thing. I'm more art-minded than i am code-minded! I've never been good at these things.
That's all for today! But i really do enjoy the very personal feeling this whole project has. It gives me something to look foward to working on everyday :o)
I'll be working on an art page soon so i can show off some of my work!!!!! At the moment my headers have been my own art!
here's a bit of a sneak peek mockup for what I have in store... ;o)